I cried in the shower today. I was completely emo all of a sudden and I can't figure out why.
I was hoping to take Dad to FS today to look at tv's. Here's our conversation from this morning:
Me: "Hey Dad, you want to go to Future Shop?"
Dad: "For what"
Me: "To .. go look at electronics"
Dad: "[pause] No."
I fail to understand why he is so reserved, so unwilling. I stalked out of the kitchen, keeping my anger to myself, my fists balled up. The second my feet hit the shower floor, I cried. I don't think it's just that .. I'm used to lack of interest from him, the silence when I say I'm going out with my "friend" (read: boyfriend).
Last nite I went to a wedding reception. The bf was one of the groomsman and the reception was wonderful. Keeping tradition, the single ladies were called up to catch the bouquet. Some idiot (read: the emcee) called my name out and I hauled myself to the back of the mob jockeying for position. Don't get me wrong - eventually I'd like to get married and pop out some kids, but not right now. I looked up at the bf who was sitting at the head table and he was mouthing "noooo" and waving his hands as if to say "don't you dare catch it!". I smiled and stood at the back with arms crossed as one of the bridesmaids caught the bouquet. Standing in the shower with my thoughts clouded and recalling the night's events, was he trying to say, "noo I don't want to marry you" or "noo I don't love you that much"? I know it's a silly thought but when tears are streaming down your face, you think of anything. I love him to death but doubt he has the courage to stand up to his parents and marry someone outside of his culture. I have already and faced the silent beatings. I don't want him to suffer through the misery I did for him, but at the same time I do because I hope he is willing to do the same for me.
I'd like to say it's in God's hands but since I'm not religious, it is in my hands. And I don't know what to do. All I know is that I love him.
